Broken
by Holly Wills
Summary: Two weeks after the conclusion of the winter war, Hisagi Shuuhei still feels broken over his ex-Captain's death. Will a girl from his past help him face his greatest sorrow? HisagiOC INDEFINITE HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

_Oblivion._

_How inviting._

_A morphine-filled syringe sits on my bedside table. It has been there for many days. Maybe the nurses left it there, on purpose. I wonder why._

_I wonder why I just don't grab it, insert it in my arm, feel the drug kick in, and succumb to narcotic-induced sleep. That way, it will be easy not to feel the pain, the wave of depression threatening to wash over me. Maybe it already has. Some stupid part of my brain doesn't want me to do this, but another stupid part wants to. Poor, masochist me._

_The dull, hollow ache in my gut doesn't want to leave. Like the syringe, it's been there for days. Maybe it's because I had a hand in his death._

_How odd. Is this really how it feels like to lose someone?_

* * *

><p>I hear the door open. A crack of light seeps in.<p>

"Vice Captain Hisagi?"

"Yes?" I say as I arrange myself into a sitting position.

The door creaks as the female nurse enters, pushing a metal tray filled with supplies in front of her. She stops and pulls the curtain separating me from the other patients open. It is the first time I ever bothered to look at the room I am in. It is currently dark, but I can clearly see the others in their respective cots.

The nurse is young, probably a new recruit. She reads from the chart she carries, checks my bandages, and writes something down. Then, she take the syringe from my bedside table. I almost shout at her to let it be, but I stop myself quickly. She writes again.

"When can I leave?" I ask. "I feel cooped up in here."

She stops writing and looks at me, finally. "Hashimoto-san doesn't want you to go yet, Vice Captain Hisagi."

"My wounds are healed, right?"

"Yes, but she says she would rather have you here than in your Division quarters. It's... Safer."

She looks down at her chart and resumes writing.

"Let me talk to your superior."

"Hashimoto-san? I'll make sure to tell her."

The nurse replaces the syringe on the table, plus a couple of tablets, closes the door, and leaves.

* * *

><p><em>No. I retract my statement.<em>

_Is this really how it feels like to kill someone you once knew? Someone whom you admired and served under?_

_Well, what the hell. It hurts._

__It is funny, though. I have been through many battles, faced countless adversaries, reaped numerous lives, but never have I felt such remorse in a single killing._  
><em>

* * *

><p>There is a knock on the door. It's really unnecessary since it's open at all hours of the day, but I say "Come in" anyway. It opens slowly - whoever is behind that door must be hesitant to enter. Seconds later, a slim woman enters. The light from the hallway isn't enough to fully eliminate her face, but the green eyes are unmistakable. They shine even in the dark, like a cat's eyes. I only have a second to be shocked, because the next moment, she was beside my bed, looking down on me.<p>

"How are you feeling, Hisagi-san?" She sits on the chair to my left and looks at the syringe. Takes it. "I'm sorry about this." She places it in her coat pocket and looks at me. "So, how are you feeling?"

"Better. Thank you."

"It's no trouble."

I laugh. "I'm a regular customer, aren't I?"

"No," she smiles. "You're not that careless, really. Only a few of your wounds are extremely serious. However, most of your bones are fractured. How come?"

"Yeah. That monster's grip was too tight for my comfort."

"So I heard."

An awkward moment ensues. She glances at the items on my bedside table: the tablets, a light-green vase full of white flowers, two _sake_ bottles from Kira, some personal belongings, and a lamp. I look at the curtains, anything to avoid looking at her. I have not seen her in many years. We have both grown so much; I can hardly recognize her, if not for those distinctive green eyes. Her hair is still the same dark brown tint, although it's straight now instead of curled. She wears it in a messy bun, and some tendrils of hair frame her oval face. I am not entirely surprised that she is in the Fourth Division. Even when we were children, she was caring and kind. I glance at her expression, solemn and thoughtful; she seems to be contemplating something important.

"How are you feeling?"

Her voice startled me. "What? Better, I said."

She looks me in the eyes. "No, I mean... How do you feel inside?"

"You know..." I avoid her gaze. "You know how."

"Hurt?"

I barely manage a nod.

"Or guilt?"

* * *

><p><em>"It's for the good of all."<em>

_It's what I tell myself when the worst of the nightmares come. That one thread of thought keeps me sane, but even that seems to be breaking._

_Two weeks have passed since the rogue Captain Sosuke Aizen and his cohorts were defeated, a few days after his sentencing. Nevertheless, the images of the battle preceding these events are still fresh in my mind. It is as if they happened only this morning. But I can no longer really tell what time of the day it is. Morning or night? It's all the same to me.  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: No, I do not own BLEACH and, as much as I would want to, Hisagi Shuuhei. (It's a sad fact, really, to live with that.) Anyway, I hope you like the first chapter. I haven't written a story in ages! Please review! Constructive criticism would really be helpful. :)_  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2

"So," she takes out the syringe. Inspects it. "Which is it?"

A smile slowly forms on my lips. "I would rather, I think, keep my thoughts to myself."

"He's gone now," she says, softly, almost inaudibly. "You're the one hurting yourself."

* * *

><p><em>Damn it all.<em>

_What right did a lady who lived a sheltered life know of guilt and hurt? She who never drew a sword to kill ought to be silent on these things. Her heart cannot possibly understand the depth of my emotions at the moment. No matter how kind and discerning she could get, it is just different._

* * *

><p>"Wouldn't it be better if you told someone?"<p>

"I'd rather not," I replied. "I shouldn't bother you with my problems, anyway."

She smiled. "Don't worry. You are not."

"You should get on with your work."

"Getting rid of me already?" she sighed. "How many years has it been?"

"I just don't want to bother you anymore."

* * *

><p><em>I refuse to answer the second question.<em>

_Of course, it is not because I have forgotten. Who can, anyway?_

_But there are things which should be buried away._

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you have forgotten so easily. How long was it? Twenty? Fifty years?"<p>

She just would not let it go.

"Twenty," I say, holding up two fingers. "Two decades."

"That was not so long ago."

Another awkward silence. As it turns out, after so many years of separation, we just are not good with conversation anymore.

"You never came to visit."

I bowed my head, a sign of my apology. "I would have, if I had known."

"I should have gone, anyway," she looked at me and smiled again. "You _are _famous, after all."

"Well, you are a seated officer in the Fourth Division. That's not so bad."

She smiled and said, "I always knew you would be a Vice Captain."

I looked at her, disbelieving what she just uttered, and laughed. "You can't be serious. I don't think I was _shinigami_ material back then."

"Well," she sighed. "That's what _you _thought, anyway."

* * *

><p><em>That's what <em>I _thought?_

_If she thought I was good enough back then...  
><em>

_What the hell._

_A roller coaster ride._

* * *

><p>"You're not serious," I say. "I was a coward."<p>

"No, you're not. You were strong and brave. For standing up against that Hollow, you were unbelievably courageous, Hisagi-san." She smoothed out the creases on the blanket. "If it weren't for that incident, you would not be a _shinigami_ today."

"True, true... But I'm far from noble."

"You sorely underestimate yourself."

"You think so?"

"You told me before that you know I would be a healer one day. In the same way, I always saw you as a warrior, Hisagi-san, someone who would protect so many people."

I looked at her, eye to eye. "Did I protect them?"

"Of course you did," she held my hand and squeezed it softly. "You did well." She stood up, closed the curtains and resumed sitting. "All of us, we're all the same. We were all born into this world with one purpose to fulfill. Surely, you have heard of this belief?"

"Yes."

She waved her hand, as if to ward away others. "Beliefs vary, but this is what I think: we are all here to help others - _shinigami_, human, or Hollow. However, the way help is delivered varies from person to person. Some are born intellects, others physically strong. For example, I am a healer. I help others by aiding them in their sick beds. That is how I fulfill my purpose. You, on the other hand, perform yours differently: you fight to help, to protect. You risk your life on the battlefield to ensure peaceful times for the generations to come." A pleading look came into her eyes, and her hand sought mine. "Do you understand? What you did when you took away his life... You did it to help others in the best way you know. _You _know that, so why do you keep fighting yourself? Never doubt yourself, Shuhei. You also helped him, you know? Didn't you promise to open his eyes to the truth? You fulfilled that vow."

"Kaya..."

"You have to realize this. Yes, to lose someone close to you is painful, more so when you were the one who drove the knife into his or her heart, but you have to keep in mind that you did it to help others. For the good of all? Think, if you had not, where would you be? Six feet under, most likely... And them? You would have let Aizen rule the Soul Society. You know what would happen, Shuhei. You did right." She smiled, wanly. "I am not trying to sugar-coat the fact that you killed. Only, please, don't punish yourself unjustly. When they see you this way, it pains the people who care for you-"

There was a knock. She opened the curtains, revealing a male nurse standing in the doorway. "Hashimoto-san, a group of Rukon District residents just came in. They were injured from a Hollow attack in District 54. Immediate medical attention is needed."

"Have Tenth Seat Yoshida-san take care of them," she replied in a firm voice. "He can cover for me."

"Yes, mam." The door closed.

I tried to decipher her facial expression, but it was hard to in the dark. "Aren't you needed outside?"

"I'm afraid I'm not done."

"You said it yourself. _That _is how you help others. This talk can wait; they can't."

She looked at her lap. "This is also another way, right? Besides, I don't think I'm ready to let you go, yet."


	3. Chapter 3

This was like an interrogation.

I am momentarily stunned at what she just said. The shock must have registered on my face, for she smiled slowly.

"I don't mean anything about what I said, Hisagi-san," she said, pocketing the syringe again. "I just... We have a lot to talk about."

"Really?" I try to smile. "Like what?"

"Oh," she waves her hand dismissively. "Things. How are you? What are you doing? Do you cook? Things like that. I like to catch up on what's happening."

"Ah," I nod slowly. For a moment, I thought we were done for. "Things like that."

"Yes, simple, common things."

"The everyday."

"The mundane," she agrees.

I wait for her to continue, but she doesn't. Perhaps she is expecting me to start the conversation. Frankly, I have no idea how to. Two decades, although seemingly short in _shinigami_ standards, is too long for a relationship that has, somehow, deteriorated. We have not seen each other; I have never even heard of her being a _shinigami_. I may not have returned to where I used to live in Rukon District, but things like these are supposed to circulate pretty quickly. I wonder why she entered the Academy, when she was very much against it before.

I must have been looking at her for a long time, absentmindedly.

"Is something wrong?"

"What? No, none at all," I say, too loudly.

"The way you look at me is," she searches for a word. "Puzzling. What are you thinking?"

* * *

><p><em>What am I thinking?<em>

_Fifty years ago. A group of boys playing ball. A broken window. A cry. Meeting her for the first time. Nervous. Returning the next day. The clasp of childish hands. Playing together. A _bento _box. Visiting houses. Chatting. Sitting by the riverbank. Catching fishes. Watching the sunset, the sunrise. Birds skimming the river. Sounds of insects singing. Her sweet voice joining the chorus. Clapping. Much clapping. Running down a hill. Picking flowers. Resting under the shade of a tree. Smell of fresh air..._

_Forty years ago. Peaceful morning. Playing in the forest. Just us boys. Hollow attack. _Shinigamis_. The number 69. Kensei Muguruma. Inspiration. Resolve. Telling her. Tears. Encouragement. Smiles. Tomorrow brings hope._

_Thirty years ago. More tears. More encouragements. More smiles. Finally, goodbyes. Goodbye. Academy. Six years. Goodbye. No more._

_Twenty years ago. Coming home. A _shinigami_ uniform. Happiness. Misunderstanding. Absence. Loneliness._

_What am I thinking?_

* * *

><p>"I was just wondering," I fish for a safe phrase. "what you were thinking."<p>

It's a lame excuse, but it would have to do. Anything to derail the topic is good.

She starts, and smiles. "Sea urchins."

"What does that have to with this?"

"I was just trying to remember things about you which I used to know. For example, you used to live twenty blocks away from our house in West Rukongai District 16, Hasegawa. You spend most of the day playing ball with your friends. You like your _tempura_ with a light batter. You dislike sea urchins."

"You, on the other hand, liked them."

"I still do," she smiles. "But that is all in the past. Tell me about you."

"About me? I don't think I'm interesting enough."

"Oh, but your division members think differently."

"They do?"

"Of course. They are always raving about their division's lieutenant."

"Flattering."

"I could imagine," she leans forward and cups her chin in her hands, like a child. "So, tell me about you."

I think hard. "For starters, I learned how to cook. I am studying how to play the guitar - that's an instrument from the human world. I am the acting editor-in-chief of the _Seireitei Communication_..."

* * *

><p><em>"We... We're so sorry. We didn't mean to..."<em>

_A girl appears in the doorway, holding our dirty ball. "That's okay. Papa will get that fixed in no time. Don't worry about it."_

_Masato nudges my shoulder. "That girl," he whispers in my ear. "She's the daughter of a store keeper in Junrinan."_

_"Oh," I walk towards her, to retrieve our ball. "Th-thank you."_

_She hands it back. "My name is Kaya."_

_I take the ball._

_"What is your name?" she is still standing in the doorway._

_"Hi-Hisagi Shuhei... Those are Masato, Hideo, and Kicchou," I point at the three boys behind me, huddled in a tight circle, afraid. "We... We're really sorry."_

_A sweet smile. "I'm sure you did not mean to, Hisagi-kun."_

* * *

><p>"Quite a list of achievements," she comments after I am done speaking. "Impressive."<p>

I blush slightly. "Not exactly... What about you?"

She straightens up and goes on, talking about what she has done. Hers is also an impressive list. She has done so well; her exceptional talents have taken her so far. Her parents have died a couple of years back, and they left everything to her. Her family's store in Junrinan is thriving, and she is managing it, alone. She also owns their house in Hasegawa, which she has turned into an orphanage. Her generosity and kind-heartedness, even after all these years, amazes me. She also tells me about her work - the ups and downs of being a department head in the Fourth Division's _Sogo Kyugo Tsumesho_, her patients, and the contentment she gets from it everyday.

"Healing people's hearts and souls is the hardest part," she said. "But it is the most important of all. If we can't take care of that, what use do we have for healing them physically? If they are broken inside, they will suffer more. That is why it is important to speak, to share how we feel. If we dont, there would be misunderstanding and other people will also be hurt. We should not be selfish. We should not keep it to ourselves. More so, we must understand the other people around us, consider those who... Love us."

She stops speaking and looks at me, melancholic eyes set on mine. I know what she is remembering.

* * *

><p><em>"Ten years..."<em>

_"My dream-"_

_"You fulfilled your dream, but it had to be so that you don't show up even once for ten years?"_

_"I tried to. I really did."_

_She turns away. "You didn't try enough."_

* * *

><p>"So selfish," she says, smiling at me. "She should have realized his dream."<p>

I am silent. I don't know what to say.

"She was so selfish," she continued. "She only thought about herself. She did not bother including him into the equation. That was just so wrong." She smiles bitterly, lowers her head. "His dream was supposed to be _their_ dream. She thought he had forgotten about that. She thought he had forgotten _her_. Apparently, he did not. He returned with a symbol of the dream, fulfilled. She should have waited a while longer. It would seem that she broke herself."

For a time, none of us spoke. She looked at her hands on her lap, opening and closing them slowly. I looked at the closed curtain, wondering what else lay uncovered.

"Is she still broken?" I venture to ask.

Kaya does not look up. "Oh, for a while she wallowed in the pieces; she thought she was. Until she found out it was she who was chipping herself away, little by little everyday. There was no crack at all. There, really, was no damage done." She looked at my hands grasping the blanket. "She had hoped she could tell him that.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: Sorry, this one took too long. I should have updated long ago. School and life prevented this from being written earlier. Anyway, here it is. :)


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